She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
where are my eyebrows?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
