i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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