I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
