yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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