things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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