Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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