I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
