If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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