I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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