Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
