A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
