I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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