at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
