my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
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I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
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I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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