Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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