he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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