all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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