i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
