My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP