The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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