if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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