No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
