I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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