I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
