Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
