I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
