so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
