I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize