I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
COCAINE IS GR8
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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