I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
