There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
