peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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