Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
