this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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