There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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