I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
