What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
