somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
