Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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