we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
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i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
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he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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