Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
