i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I've blown a few things in my day
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
