need another drink. this is the easiest way
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
