Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This is the high leading the old right now
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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