1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
