Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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