Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize