An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
