my vag is so smooth its legendary
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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