i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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