last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
