I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
