I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
