I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Randomize
