i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
