If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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