I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
this will be a night to untag.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
