A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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