Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
