I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
