Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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