oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
