Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
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im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
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I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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